I know it has been a long time since I was on here, but I just can’t get my head into the whole blogging thing anymore… I think it is because I spent too much time on here before, and God is trying to help me manage my time better. Anyways, I had to write out some of my feelings and it doesn’t sound right when I write it to myself, so I am sharing with whoever reads this.
Most of you that do read the blog know that we had a miscarriage last September. I was only three or four weeks pregnant and only knew about the pregnancy for a couple of days, but it was VERY real to in that short amount of time. I figured out when we conceived, when I was due, when my c-section would be scheduled (for the most part…) and had new baby names running through my head.
Two close friends of mine were already pregnant when we found out we were, Tiff a couple of months, and Kelly a few weeks more than me. When we had the miscarriage it was hard then, knowing that they were going to look more and more pregnant and get to feel all the stuff that a pregnant woman enjoys, and I wasn’t. But that was nothing compared to seeing them hold their babies when they were born. Both had adorable baby girls and I am super excited for them, but it is hard.
So on to why I am writing this in the first place! Since having kids my cramps are almost non-existent, compared to before kids, when I would curl up in a ball and cry sometimes they were so bad. I don’t get that anymore, fantastic!!! I don’t get moody during that time of the month, but I do get very moody before. The only way I know it is coming. This is the hardest time of the month for me. Knowing that once again we didn’t get pregnant. This is the first time in our marriage that we haven’t been using the birth control pill, and we haven’t been able to get pregnant. Anyways, I can feel the crabbies coming on. And it hurts so much that I can’t stand it. All I do is holler at the kids, the hubby, I can’t get motivated, all I want to do is be by my self, and ignore everything going on around me. I just want to through a pity party for my self.
I have three wonderful kids already, I have a great family, enough that I should be happy with what I have. Not this upset about what we lost.
So please pray for my emotions, my healing, our family, my heart… I know that there are many people out there that have lost much more that I have, and I feel guilty about how upset I am about something that in the world’s eye I never even had. But in my heart I have 4 children that I love with all that I am. Pray that this gets better, that God will take away the desire to have more children if he isn’t going to fulfill that desire, or that he will lessen it for the time being, pray that if something is wrong with my body after the IUD that I had put in and taken out would heal if needed.
His life wasn’t taken, it was given in love,
Sharalee
